Meet the Squash Blues

In News by Luis North2 Comments

Meet the Squash Blues hoping to smash Oxf*rd this Saturday at 1.30pm at the Royal Automobile Club, Pall Mall.



Name: Keegan Mendez;
Nickname: Kegstand (do they even play beer pong in the UK???);
College: St. Edmunds;
Subject: 1st year MPhil in Bioscience Enterprise;
Post-workout Meal: Goldfish and orange gatorade;
Role Model: Idolizes her big sister Haley Mendez*… if only she could be so talented. *Takes personal responsibility for all of Haley’s success on account of years of superb feeding.

Keegan started playing squash when she was 8 years old. She peaked at age 10 when she climbed to the #1 ranking in the United States. Ever since then, things have gone downhill… Nevertheless, she still rallies on and continues to enjoy her time on court. After four years at Harvard, she had journeyed across the pond to drink tea and spend afternoons at the pub. This is her first varsity match and she is thrilled to take on Oxford!



Name: Anira Perera (c)
Nickname: Ani
College: Fitzwilliam
Subject: 4th year Chemical Engineering
Squash Role Model: Nicol David
Favourite Post-training snack: Bananas and Cottage Cheese
Personal Aim for Varsity: To make sure my serves are not out!

Ani started playing squash at the age of 13, mainly because of the temptation of brownies that she could not pass up. The quality time with her Dad, as well as the team spirit and friends have kept her on court ever since. She can’t believe it’s her last year playing for the University, but is so thankful to have made such amazing friends through her time here, especially the team this year!


Name: Laura Mullarkey
Nickname: LozzaBean
College: Jesus
Subject: 5th Year Medicine
Role model: Ali Hemingway
Post snack training: Tea and toast
Personal Aim for Varsity: Eat lunch at the right time
How started playing: Went on holiday to Norfolk where there was a squash court and not much else to do.

Having been described as ‘ever present’ and ‘vintage’ and with an alter ego as an elderly tortoise, Laura is hoping that her 5th year varsity appearance will bring wisdom and experience rather than creaking joints.


Name: Anisa Ab Razak
Nickname: Panini
College: Churchill
Subject: 2nd Year Vet Medicine
Role model: Pusheen
Favourite post-training-snack: Anything spicy
Personal Aim for Varsity: Squash

Anisa started playing squash when she couldn’t get into her school badminton team. Hence began her love for squash. She had no idea that she would keep playing for the next 8 years and make some amazing team mates whom she can’t wait to play alongside at Varsity!


Name: Miranda
Nickname: Sesh Mironster
College: Murray Edwards College
Subject: 2nd yr History of Art
Role model: doesn’t believe in role models -a unique trailblazer from day one
Favourite post-training-snack: A JCR meeting and anything that’s out of date in the fridge Personal Aim for Varsity: Make a friend.

This will be Mironster’s third squash varsity, an impressive feat considering she’s only in her 2nd year of History of Art. On court, the Sesh uses her overwhelming upper-body strength and aggressive ferocity to dominate her opponents. This may have been diminished slightly following a recent, abrupt encounter with the ground while cycling, but she is still someone not to be crossed. This sport is Mironster’s life, and so off court she lives her life as a squash ball, bouncing around at a million miles an hour. GDBO When asked for a statement, Nicholson said: ‘pls let me win.’image6

Name: Hannah
Nickname: Yogi
College: Medwards
Subject: 3rd year medicine
Fav Snack: Hunts County home made food
Aim for varsity: win
Role model: Tania Bailey

She started playing because of her Dad when she was 13 but only started competing properly in University.

Luis North


Nickname: The Northern Powerhouse
College: Downing
Subject: 3rd year Engineering
Hometown: Huddersfield
Role Model: Jermaine McGillvary/Andy Whitham
Favourite Post-Training Snack: The tears of PP2
Describe your squash style in three words or less: Graceful
Personal Aim For Varsity: Once again produce the best captain’s speech

Luis began his illustrious playing career in his hometown of Huddersfield. Evidently destined for great things, he has been heard to claim he would have made it as a pro had it not been for his true calling of building bridges and digging holes (apparently that’s what civil engineers do).

Luis has performed wonders for Cambridge squash, encouraging greater integration between the different teams and organising weekly social events. However, this has come at the slight cost of certain captain’s privileges, including taking home the extra pizza after our weekly matches. Leading the team from the front this year, Luis’ playing style has developed since arriving in Cambridge. Not what you might call a conventional player, he has a few tricks up his sleeve, including the famous but still mysterious shot known as the ‘Huddersfield Special’.

Highlights from the past year include a win and a close loss against world-ranked players in the Cambridge Open and reaching the semis of BUCS C. He faces the same opponent as last year and will be looking to reverse that painful loss and promises to chop him.

Reuben Morris

Nickname: Smiley
College: Homerton
Subject: 1st Year Netflix and Chill
Hometown: Yeovil or somewhere
Role Model: David Roper- I wish I hit as many nicks as he does!
Favourite Post-Training Snack: I am the snack
Describe your squash style in three words or less: Bit like my essay writing(according to my supervisor) i get too excited and end up trying to do too much. (That’s less than three words right? Sorry, I can’t count)
Personal Aim For Varsity: Ask for a least one let/stroke Smile my opponent into submission

Explosive fresher Reuben shot to CUSRC fame for his ability to hit nicks from anywhere on the court and his inability to arrive anywhere in Cambridge. As the token humanities student within the team, he endures his fair share of (friendly) abuse from the rest of the squad and takes it all in good humour. His subject has gifted him the worst excuse for missing training ever: “I have to watch a film”.

Ben Robinson


Nickname: The Ghost
College: Queens’
Subject: 2nd Year Medicine
Hometown: Hull
Role Model: David Roper – he’s just so knowledgeable about the game
Favourite Post-Training Snack: Bagels
Describe your squash style in three words or less:
Personal Aim For Varsity: Don’t get bagelled again this year

Ben’s heavy second year schedule provided him with the perfect excuse to miss fitness training every week – a decision that he may or may not be regretting a week before varsity. However, it’s not just fitness he’s famous for missing – his nickname ‘The Ghost’ was bestowed upon him in first year due to his frequent absence from socials.

Ben is also well-renowned for not quite being mean enough to win squash matches – preferring instead to offer his opponent lets and apologise for every winner he hits. Luis often reminds him of the time he commented ‘This guy isn’t very nice – he hasn’t even said good shot to me once!’

Having said that, Ben is looking to put in a positive performance against Oxford this year following a couple of strong results in the Cambridgeshire league. Matt Lees was recently even heard to comment “you’re not quite as slow as you used to be, Ben”. What a confidence booster.

Riki Houlden


Nickname: The Golden Retriever
College: Christ’s
Subject: 5th year Medicine
Hometown: London/ Japan
Role Model: Paul Coll before he started hitting winners
Favourite Post-Training Snack: Anything and everything he can get his greedy mitts on.
Describe your squash style in three words or less: Scoward but better
Personal Aim For Varsity: Play the ball to length more often

Riki returns to the squad after he lost his rackets last year, meaning he had to switch to fives. He has dyed his hair in an attempt to confuse the O****d team, who won’t recognise him after this drastic transformation. Rumour has it this man has a whole room in his executive suite at Christ’s dedicated to squash, filled with wall-to-wall notes on all his opponents and tactics. Although some may question how many pages a player needs telling him to hit the ball to the back of the court.

Andrew Boyd

Nickname: The Panda
College: Churchill
Subject: Maths
Hometown: Edinburgh
Role Model: Pan Pan
Favourite Post-Training Snack: panda shaped pasta
Describe your squash style in three words or less: Ramy or Reyner
Personal Aim For Varsity: Frame at least one mizuki into the nick

Boydy comes into the squad as the man who could beat Ramy Ashour one day and lose to Nikhil Sharma the next. His season has seen plenty of ups and downs (“Why does Boydy always play sh*t for PP1, but beat everyone in playoffs?”- Sam Coward, 2018), but he always brings his A game when it matters. This silent-but-deadly mathmo is admired for his love of straight vodka and whiskey. As for his nickname – we won’t go there.

Sam Coward

Nickname: Scoward, The Sesh Coward
College: Selwyn
Subject: 3rd year Maths
Hometown: Maidstone
Role Model: Anyone that can drink more than 1 pint and remain standing
Favourite Post-Training Snack:  the same as my favourite pre-training snack: 0.5 pints
Describe your squash style in three words or less: Run run run
Personal Aim For Varsity: Play at least one drop shot between the service line and tin.

Famed in his first year for being the token fresher ‘lad’, Scoward revealed his gentler side in second year by leaving every social event at 10pm or earlier and somehow finding himself a girlfriend. He is forever claiming he is the fittest man in CUSRC, but somehow always losing on fitness. Some might question his tactics. Others admire his Machiavellianism. This man will stop at nothing in his quest to destroy O****d’s reserve. Nothing. Except maybe playing a good drop shot, but other than that, nothing.



Leave a Comment